My phone talks to me.

No, really. I’m not insinuating I hear voices or have gone around the bend (although I’m sure they are people I know who would argue the point) - I just changed over cell providers and also got a new phone in the process. The new phone which is half the size of the old one and fits very nicely into my pocket, also has this very disarming feature.

I can be in another part of the house and all of a sudden hear this mechanical if slightly female voice say, “Call from... (insert caller’s name here)... ” and then they’ll be this beep after which the whole thing starts all over again. The first time it gives you the option of whether you want to take the call or not - you can actually just say “yes” or “no” and it either answers the call or puts it directly through to voicemail.

The thing takes pictures. I can send email from it. Get email on it. Record little memos to myself. Set up a calendar with reminders when I’m supposed to be somewhere. It’s really quite the amazing little device.

I’m still trying to figure out why the default voice is female. It probably is a commentary on sexism in our society that the default voice on my phone sounds like a woman instead of some burly, macho man or even some english sounding butler for that matter.

Anyway, the more things I program into the damn thing (people’s names and email addresses), it seems the more it can do. So, I guess I’ve finally taken the leap into the world of science fiction. It may sound like I’m overstating things a bit but, when I was a kid I can remember reading Dick Tracy in the Sunday color funnies (Dick Tracy getting prime position on the first page with Dondi) and being awed by the two way wrist radio Dick Tracy had.

Overnight it appeared all the payphones vanished and everyone began walking around with a cell phone plastered to their head. And they keep getting smaller and smaller. I figure we’ve got a little more than a decade when they’ll be planting a chip set with a speaker just under the skin behind your ear and a small microphone implanted into the skin of your cheek. No more messy phone to carry around with you - no more worry about losing the stupid thing.

Which makes me think about this thing that happened recently...

There’s this woman (I was going to say girl but I caught myself), who I just think is the most beautiful thing imaginable. This happens a bit with me, the whole being awestruck by the beauty of some women and just feeling totally intimidated by it.

So, not too long ago she dropped her cell phone.

Sure, everyone drops their cell phone you’d say but, do you drop it in the toilet? The thing was in her back pocket and well for a sense of decorum I think you can imagine the rest. At least she didn’t compound matters by flushing the thing. Needless to say, the phone really wasn’t working after that.

I think the day comes people are getting those implant thingies - she may wind up being in the front of the line. In the meantime, I find myself somewhat less intimidated by the beauty these days, knowing that we’re all susceptible to a D’oh moment.